Stop 8: Bangkok: Part 3 –- Bangkok, Thailand

To divert the pain of our scarred eyes, Cam decided to pierce her ear at a hole-in-the-wall Thai tattoo parlor. Be proud, Mom and Dad, be proud. The rest of the day was spent bussing back and forth from a picturesque floating market where we ate soup on boats and watched Thai women selling fruit out of their buoyant canoe shops. We also visited a coconut sugar “factory,” which was actually a home where an entire family showed us how to harvest coconuts and extract the sugar. We tasted their treats, purchased some cookies, and were on our way.

                                                  

In an attempt to aid Ben with spending the last few baht to his name, we made the journey to MBK, an eighty story madhouse with row after row of knickknacks, clothing and fake everything. We completed our backpacker transformation with the purchases of Sir Chode and Baby Beluga and Jen ate half of a juicy hamburger for a slice of comfort and a quick break from a long bout with vegetarianism.

                                                  

We spent our last full day in this exciting city at JJ market, which claims to be the largest open air market in the world. It has 6,000 stalls and spans five football fields. Along with endless food carts and the usual souvenirs, art and furniture, this market also boats a pet section. Complete with baby squirrels, hedgehogs, puppies, kittens, miniature pigs, and whatever else was in the incubators we spotted, this market left us feeling slightly sick and a little sad. We picked ourselves up and prepared for our last night in this crazy city.

                           

                           

                           

There is no better way to say goodbye to Bangkok than a true Asian vs. Caucasian dance off in a hip-hop club on backpacker row. Let’s just say we didn’t make friends with the Brit who was massacred by our two new best Thai buds. We learned new moves and danced the night away, wishing that tomorrow would never come and we’d be stuck in Bangkok for eternity.

As is always the case with time, Ben’s departure day finally arrived and we said goodbye over hangovers, tuna sandwiches and a bowl of chocolate ice cream. We sent him on his merry little way with a little slap on the butt and a tear in each eye. So long Bangkok. Until we meet again.

Stop 8: Bangkok: Part 2 –- Bangkok, Thailand

Warning: the following program may be inadvisable for children under the age of 17 unless supervised by an adult. This program is rated R (or more like XXX). This is where our blog becomes arguably, and entirely, too candid.

There’s only one sound to describe the fateful events of September 9^th, 2010. It’s the sound the donkey makes in Shrek as Fiona and her ogre lover are driving to Far, Far Away. Walking down Khoasan Road you hear a symphony of these “pops” (think pursed lips) emerging from dirty dark corners. Naturally, we were curious. We had all heard horror stories about these alleged “ping pong” shows. Determined to make Ben’s last weekend in Bangkok unforgettable, we opted in. We were driven by tuk-tuk at least 20 minutes out of the city and dropped into the hands of one rather old and scrawny mafiosa, surrounded by a handful of his not-so-scrawny bodyguards. We had been promised that we’d survive, but it’s safe to say we still haven’t recovered.

We were herded into the back of a dark warehouse-like room and placed on three stools way too close to the stage and, consequently, to the classy ladies’ coslopi. We apologize in advance for our inability to document the following production, but such an act would have cost us our lives. So instead, use your imagination. Go wild. We sure did.

Scene: stage, 4 stripper poles, blacklight, dirty/creepy old men, the occasional curious westerner

Act I: Middle-aged but-her-face woman pulls a 20-meter plastic fluorescent lei out of her caslopus.
Act II: Thai sweetheart uses guava to harness a marker, proceeding to create a “Welcome to Thailand” banner, including a special rendition of an attempt at Bart Simpson.

Act III: A sexpot pole dancer drags delicate ribbon out of her jay-jay and uses it to seduce two traditionally dressed old Indian couples in the front row.  

Act IV: Act I’s multitalented woman returns to the stage for an encore performance including using her private parts to blow both a whistle and the candles out of her birthday cake.

Intermission: Ben, Jen & Cam sit in silence, confused, upset, but unable to blow this popstand (pun intended).

Act V: This hot cookie’s special skill involves using her vagina to shoot darts, with sickening precision, at balloons five feet across the room.

Act VI: Act III’s sexy mama showcased this event's namesake performance by shooting ping pong balls into glass bowls, proving she would be the ultimate beer pong partner.

Act VII: Confusing as it was, the following act garnered the most applause. Razor mule pulled no fewer than 40 exacto blades out of her down under. We still don’t quite understand how she managed to pull this off (or out), but we plan on googling it later. We’ll update accordingly.

Caution: If there are any children in the room at this time, they are already most likely screwed, but to prevent further damage escort them out now. Here goes nothing.

Act VIII: The final and most disturbing act involved a Thai man with a large penis (oxymoron, we are aware) and a rather lifeless mamacita performing a choreographed sex serenade to Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You.” That should have been our cue to leave, but paralysis had taken hold of our limbs and we were stuck, jaws dropped and eyes watering, until the curtain closed. 

Stop 8: Bangkok: c’mon… too easy –- Bangkok, Thailand

Our first stop in Bangkok, as is the case for most backpackers, was Tha Khoasan, an infamous stretch of budget hotels, eager Indian fortunetellers and young Thai men selling tailor made suits. We felt right at home among the dirt, the hustle and the bustle.

We spent our first day in this Asian capital running errands, the first of which involved chasing Fedex around the city, ultimately ending in Silom Square. Wooman had shipped us our malaria medication (which we brilliantly forgot), and we were excited to see what else she would include in our care package. We ripped open the box, reached in, and found a smaller box with Cam’s pills and a bottle of Jen’s. No note, no love.

After Jen convinced Cam that her mom does, in fact, love her, we ate our sorrows away in the form of gourmet donuts. At the market that evening we purchased the most Asian fans we could find and waved them vigorously at each other and Ben’s face. When these failed to fulfill our coolest dreams, we took refuge in Bangkok’s IMAX theater and, in the words of our dear friend Hacobo, let Inception f*&k with our heads. After being in remote and rural Thailand, the Harujuku girls and Lambo dealership near the theater threw us for a loop. We were like kids in a candy (civilization) shop. We even debated purchasing some Kiehl’s face whitening cream to adopt true Thai custom. We try to tan, they try to bleach. Asia is basically millions of Michael Jacksons. Cue: crotch grab.

Dinner found Ben and Cam scarfing steamed duck, as Jen patiently waited for her vegetable stir-fry. As we left the restaurant we could feel dribbles of rain, which only meant one thing: run. We knew we only had approximately 47 seconds before the downpour/God’s rainbow of piss, so Ben and Cam waited out this little episode under an awning while watching the Asian servant successfully attempt to hail a cab. The next day was dedicated to visiting some of Bangkok’s more traditional sites, which included, among others, the Golden Mount. We’ve seen many-a-wat, but none like this. Perched atop a perfectly molded hill saturated by graves and tombstones, the golden Buddha on top looked out onto 360-degree views of the city. The bells below rang and monks chatted nonchalantly on their cell phones. 

Stop 7: Uhh… we got nothin… -- Prachuap Khiri Khan, Thailand

One of the worst decisions we’ve made on the trip, and probably in our lives, involved an overnight ferry from Ko Tao to Chumphon. This ten hour journey cost 150 baht, began with a pickup from our hotel at 8pm and ended at 6am the next morning on a side street in between nowhere and nothing. Had we shelled out and purchased the 350 baht option (7 more American dollars), we would have left our hotel around 9am and arrived on the mainland two hours later. It’s all about the “experience,” right?

The ferry provided “beds,” which were actually visibly dirty mats placed along the floor in a row, and blankets, which were where the mosquitoes laid their eggs, not a device for protecting against them. With all of its downsides, this trek across the sea allowed us to see a sky so black that the stars actually shone and the night seemed to come alive as we drifted off, the ocean rocking us to sleep.

We took a bus from this port town to Prachuap Khiri Khan, a province six hours north, and checked into Maggie’s guesthouse per Kevin’s earlier recommendation. Unable to find a single thai food stall open to serve us after a sleepless and foodless night on a boat, we turned desperate and found the nearest hotel. The chicken was almost surely cooked in sperm juice and, as Ben put it, the entire institution was stuck in the 80s. We vowed to never eat at a hotel again—even under such dire circumstances.

The next day we rented a car from the owner of the guesthouse, a manual pickup that would be our chariot for the afternoon. With a keen sense of direction but no tangible map, we found our way around the province hoping that each turn we took would take us in the right direction. Our first stop was a quick visit with a group of wild monkeys who allegedly caught a ride to Prachuap on a tuk-tuk from Bangkok. We swung by a beautifully carved wooden temple while searching for a military base and then made our way to the day’s main event: an elephant conservation center. An NGO worker who spoke virtually perfect English greeted us and explained we’d have to wait just a short while because the Governor of the province was on his way to the park to spot elephants—we’d all go together when he arrived. We waited, and waited, and waited…Three hours and one governor later we made our way to the viewing area where we peeked through binoculars to spot wild elephants and gaurs. The TV crews filming the Governor used us as props to show that white people do, in fact, visit national parks! We staged ourselves, smiled and pointed at imaginary animals and made our first (but not our last) appearance on Thai television that evening.

We hopped on the back of one of the worker’s pickups, eventually reached our car, and followed the TV crew back to the highway. The sun had gone down by then and no map or sense of direction would have helped us then.

Desperate for a slice of home, Ben demanded a trip to the one and only air conditioned joint in Prachuap, KFC. Cam ate her first meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken (in Thailand of all places) and Ben savored both his crispy chicken sandwich and some homemade massaman curry. The day was a grand success and we were all quite excited about our first time in Thailand’s capital. Bangkok was up next. 

Stop 6: Holy Cow, Ko Tao! -- Koh Tao, Thailand

Ko Tao, the lively younger brother to Samui and Phagnan, was our last island visit in Thailand (for now). On the bus to the ferry we met a sultry British prostitute from Brighton and decided within the next four minutes to invite him to join us.  The three of us planned to share a bungalow and all was well in Ben, Cam, Jen world. UNTIL…invasion of the THINGY, a stage five Canadian clinger who insisted on being the fourth person to share a 3-person bungalow within three minutes of meeting on a bus. If he had caught on to our awkwardly overt hints, he would have taken the first ferry back to the mainland.

Thingy and Cam on our porch

For our first meal together we ordered pad thai from a roadside stand, sat on the beach and watched a fire show at a nearby bar. The highlight of the night, and arguably the island, was the most overdone and extravagant drag show we had ever seen (and, let us tell you, we’ve seen our fair share). Being the most straight looking guy in the audience, Ben was (reluctantly) pulled onto stage where his ability to go with the flow was tested to the extreme. He passed with flying colors and won about 627 points in our book.

We had several lovely rainy days on this island, which usually found us in the over-chlorinated pool, desperately soaking in the air conditioning at seven eleven, or cuddling in bed watching episodes of Jersey Shore.  Cam would occasionally pretend to work on her graduate school applications. We would have spent much of this time reading in the hammock outside of our bungalow, but Thingy’s fat ass (never mind the fact that he’s stick thin) broke it on the first day. UGH. Mostly, though, we snuck away to visit 8 2-week old puppies and their mother, tucked behind a local restaurant. Their eyes were barely open and they seemed to ice skate as they learned to walk between their towel and their mom. We watched them sleep, eat and play at least once a day, often stealing them from their mother for a few minutes of cuddles. She was always happy to see us arrive, would excitedly wag her tail as we’d approach and wake the puppies up to play. We so badly wanted to smuggle them all into our (still massive) suitcases.

Situation Game

Stupid Daddy's Boy

In the evenings we cooled off with an ocean dip, which was so warm that it often served more as a sauna than a mist room. We also enjoyed the pleasure of Sophie’s company, a stray dog that took a liking to us our first day on the island and walked around the local area with us. She would fall asleep on our balcony and, without fail, we’d find her there in the morning.

                           

Dinner on our second to last night consisted of Indian food and a shared bottle of vodka at an empty (and closed) restaurant on the beach. Ben mixed it with an M-150 (which could be a firework or a mixer, we’re still not sure). A prepped out Daddy’s boy from England joined us and we danced the night away in a bar with schnitzels (of course), throwback music and no idea of our location.

no thats not a pool.

 

For our last day we took a boat trip around the entire island, visiting Shark Bay (where Ben saw an actual shark), jumping off the boat, and getting stuck on a sandbar during a quite surreal rainstorm. While Ko Tao was a huge hit all around, we were particularly sad to end the island portion of our trip. By morning, we’d be back on the mainland.

 

Stop 5: Copin' on Koh Phangan -- Koh Phangan, Thailand

We woke up in Koh Samui bright and early on the morning of September 1^st—23 years to the day that Wooman Vilkin popped Cami out of her caslopus (shoutout to Chelsea!). Even though it was a travel day, we still smiled, enjoyed the ferry ride and planned to celebrate at our next stop, Koh Phangan (pronounced Ko Pawn-yawn). We arrived just as the sun reached its highest point, right smack in the heat of the day, and without any idea of where we might be staying. We parked Jen with the bags and Cam set off in search of a place to lie our heads that night. Once she finally settled on a location, she decided to scope out the easiest route back and, as a result of broken Thaiglish, found herself nowhere near any beach, road, person or sign of civilization. A Thai gentleman eventually picked her sorry ass up and returned her to her long lost friend.

One of the wonderful aspects of this small island is that all of the guest houses line a serene white sand beach, dotted by volleyball courts, sand-side bars and hammocks strung between palm trees. Combine this lovely trait with the fact that we thought it would be a good idea to travel with traditional rolling suitcases and you have yourself a catastrophic situation involving two girls dragging parcels as heavy as dead bodies across 500 meters of open beach.

Our bungalow was, how you say, of minimalist décor. The one thing it was not lacking in, however, was friendship — with cockroaches, mosquitos and grasshoppers (found, respectively, in Jen’s toiletry bag, on the walls, and in Cam’s b-crack). After this depressing and traumatic experience we decided to walk into town and book a tour to the Ang Thong Marine National Park for the following day. The boat ticket was for September 1^st, so we returned to the agency to change the mistake to September 2^nd, where we were informed that the day was, in fact, August 31^st, and not, as we had thought, September 1^st. It was not, as we had thought, Cam’s birthday. How embarrassing that we didn’t know what day it was… right nicky? teeheehee

Ariel's perch

We fell asleep and woke up to the ocean, as well as to entire 50 foot palm trees about 30 feet away falling over and causing massive earthquakes at the hands of machetes and other interesting Thai techniques for reconstructing nature. The following day, a long, green and thin snake wished us good morning as we walked to the boat dock. The National Park, composed of dozens of small islands, each with their own allure, was any beach lover’s playground. We rock climbed in flip flops to a lookout of over 10 islands, swam with hundreds of white butterflies, kayaked under rock cliffs and into caves while listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack (obviously) and hiked to an entirely enclosed green lagoon. It was breathtakingly beautiful and one of the most peaceful and picturesque stops on our trip. We found it hard to stop smiling.

Feeling a bit rambunctious, Jen decided to re-pierce her nose and we both died long strands of our hair pink and purple. Now all we had to do was buy backpacks to replace our suitcases and our morph into hippy backpackerism would be complete.  

Stop 4: Crabby in Krabi -- Krabi, Surat thani, Ko Samui

Wild Monkeys!

From Koh Phi Phi we took the morning ferry to Krabi, where we stayed the night... big mistake. We woke up early the next morning to visit the one reason we came to this town —the Tiger cave temple.  As always, we slipped off our shoes, entered the temple and smiled at a monk who preceded to give us handmade bracelets, which are to bring us luck in the coming months. As we continued walking through the temple’s complex, we were joined by dozens of wild monkeys eager to steal our peanuts and hold our hands, yet no tigers.  The Tiger Cave Temple was depressingly tigerless. Anyways, we digress... So many monkeys, so little time.  Some were even carrying babies that couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old. 

Evolution at its finest.

We eventually reached the cave portion of the temple which was dotted with shrines in black holes. We explored in solitude. Other than a few monks, we had the entire temple to ourselves.  Thankfully, this slice of heaven calmed us enough to face the "sh*thole", if you will, and ever-so-touristy island of Koh Samui.

Our ferry to Ko Samui, a premiere beach/honeymoon destination, left in the afternoon. We arrived, decided we immediately hated how commercialized it was and balked at the island for the next 24 hours. We walked the shops, the beach and the food stalls. Even the hennas and fake bags were overpriced. We reminisced about Phi Phi and hoped for something with a little less glam and a lot more kabam.

We got tatted on the beach.

Koh Phagnan, Koh Samui’s calm older sister, awaited. 


Best Regards,
Us

Stop 3: Don’t Pee Pee in the Ocean! -- Koh Phi Phi, Thailand

Notice the difference in skin color :)

The journey from Phuket to Koh Phi Phi was long—two busses and a ferry. Had we any idea how perfect, how perfectly perfect, this place would be, we wouldn’t have minded the distance. We were oblivious to the paradise that awaited us.

Sunset on Bamboo Island

Koh Phi Phi is a town nestled on a giant sandbar. Devastated by the tsunami in 2004, the town is slowly but surely recovering. We were greeted at our guest house by the resident monkey—the sign said Harmony House, but it was nothing of the sort. We prefer to call it Hell House. Here you don’t have to look far to find bed bugs, moldy pillows and brown water shooting out of the faucet. While this lodging was the worst we have experienced, the beach was the best. At low tide you can walk a mile out and, looking back at the shoreline, longtail boats with Buddhist blessings line the beach as the sun sets behind them.  We sat at $1/day cabanas with forests behind us and paradise in front and soaked in the most amazing sight we had ever laid eyes on.

Sidenote: Jen finds more bed bug bites on left hand.  Oh and also, we counted a total of 38 bug bites between the two of us... most of which were up and down Jen's legs. NASTAY.

Maya Beach: Set of "The Beach" -- Phi Phi Ley

Our jolly day in the sun left us painfully burnt. Let’s just say certain parts of our bodies (Cam's chest area) turned a tint of purple from second degree burning. With newly purchased sarongs covering our shoulders, we set out on a daytrip to explore the island. We saw caves where Thai men climb bamboo ladders to retrieve birds nests for soup, spotted ginormous fluorescent blue and purple jellyfish in the water, and, most importantly, watched Asians in life jackets attempt to disembark a boat in water one foot high (bahaha best part of the trip yet, video footage to follow if we can figure it out). We fed bananas to monkeys at a beautiful cove, snorkeled in Phi Phi Ley (which is an enclosed green lagoon entirely surrounded by limestone cliffs), and dragged our feet on Maya Beach, the setting for The Beach. Just as the movie depicted, it was the perfect beach. Our last stop was Bamboo Island, where we briefly met three schnitzels who invited us to camp with them for the night. We returned to the mainland, packed bags, and decided to join them.

Tried to go fishing.. no luck!

Back to the sand box, like how we were in 3rd grade!

The five of us built a rather phallic-shaped sand castle (subconsciously) and then proceeded to set it on fire. Kevin was up to his head in a hole he had dug, and Jen was up to her head in sand. We were little kids again. When the pitch black arrived, we skinny-dipped for the first (and last) times in our lives and watched Rhyse practice his fire spinning skills. 

The next morning, we didn’t need an alarm. We had fallen asleep with the stars and woken up with the sun. We felt in sync with ourselves and with nature, as there is something refreshing, even awakening, about watching the sun set and rise from a deserted island with only several friends, rice cooked in saltwater and the ocean as your bathtub. We fished for dinner, swung from trees, and swam for hours. Life was rough. 

Fist pumping the night away

We returned, rather reluctantly, to civilization (relatively speaking) and did our very best to cool off (which naturally included a $3 massage). That evening we found a cat in the fridge and understood exactly how he felt. We danced on the beach in the moonlight, drank fire water from plastic buckets and met a girl with armpit hair longer than a horse’s mane, but not as shiny. What a doozie. 

Kevin, Cam, Max and Armpit Girl shared a bucket.

Our view from the hammock on Maya Beach

Still reeling from our stay on Phi Phi, we decided, much against our heart’s will, that it was time to move on. Little did we know at the time, Phi Phi would come to be our favorite island and a place we hope to return to with family and friends. Until we meet again.


XOXO,
Gossip Girl

Stop 2: F**k-it, Thailand-- Phuket, Thailand

It is, in fact, pronounced poo-ket (hehe), but we prefer eff-it (phuket) given just how much we loved this “idyllic” island.

Our first thai meal was a full thai fish (and, it should go without saying, it is Cami’s job to debone the fish, place perfect pieces of flesh on Jen’s plate and watch her savor Cam’s hard work) and, of course, pad thai. This pad thai was spectacular. Far, FAR, better than anything you Westerners have ever had, and we’ve been hooked ever since.

Now, here’s a riddle for our four readers. What lives in something soft, forms perfect rows of dots, and can disappear like magic? That’s RIGHT. You guessed it! BED BUGS. Not cool. So, so not cool. Jen made friends with one and he left hickies up and down her arms and legs. Yummy. New hotel? I think yes. We followed this traumatic experience with another one, sticking our feet into a giant tub of piranha man-eating baby sharks (i.e. tiny goldfish type creatures that eat the dead skin off the bottom of your feet). That was pretty interesting to say the least.

Walking around town, doing a little shopping, we were briskly herded into a secret windowless closet the size of a cupboard that held nothing short of 16,000 DVDs, lined up and down the walls, the door, and in crevices we didn’t know existed. Naturally, we bought season four of Dexter (if you haven’t seen it, run to Netflix again) and The Beach, as we would be visiting the set of this film soon enough.

The next morning we embarked on a grand plan involving Jen operating a motorbike. This brilliant idea lasted about 7 seconds, culminating in a chance encounter between the bike and a parked car. We decided to abort this mission and hire a car for the day. We visited the Bangpae waterfall (which involved trekking through rain forest in the pouring rain—teehee), a gibbon (type of monkey) rehabilitation center, a temple with a half buried Buddha, a hindu complex, and another temple in the midst of building a Buddha statue about  seven elephants tall and five wide. We purchased a small piece of marble that will be used in the ongoing construction of this structure, rang tiny golden bells hanging from the mountaintop trees and tried our luck at a gong that only sounds when a blessed person rubs it. Needless to say, it did not sound for us.

On our descent back to town we experienced our first elephant sighting. After peeing our pants, we stopped, dropped and rolled out of our moving vehicle and restrained ourselves from humping these majestic creatures. They are just magnificent. 

Ooo ya, thats the spot!

Our night cap involved an ode to Jack Johnson as we inhaled a banana pancake with nutella and vanilla stuff. We both blacked out for the consumption phase, but vaguely remember stumbling back to our hotel room.

Giggles and Hugs,
Us

P.S. This quote from the Big Buddha temple stayed with us that day and ever since:

                    "Happiness for all without freedom, the captives and prisoners 
                                around the world. May they be happy five times."