Stop 8: Bangkok: Part 2 –- Bangkok, Thailand

Warning: the following program may be inadvisable for children under the age of 17 unless supervised by an adult. This program is rated R (or more like XXX). This is where our blog becomes arguably, and entirely, too candid.

There’s only one sound to describe the fateful events of September 9^th, 2010. It’s the sound the donkey makes in Shrek as Fiona and her ogre lover are driving to Far, Far Away. Walking down Khoasan Road you hear a symphony of these “pops” (think pursed lips) emerging from dirty dark corners. Naturally, we were curious. We had all heard horror stories about these alleged “ping pong” shows. Determined to make Ben’s last weekend in Bangkok unforgettable, we opted in. We were driven by tuk-tuk at least 20 minutes out of the city and dropped into the hands of one rather old and scrawny mafiosa, surrounded by a handful of his not-so-scrawny bodyguards. We had been promised that we’d survive, but it’s safe to say we still haven’t recovered.

We were herded into the back of a dark warehouse-like room and placed on three stools way too close to the stage and, consequently, to the classy ladies’ coslopi. We apologize in advance for our inability to document the following production, but such an act would have cost us our lives. So instead, use your imagination. Go wild. We sure did.

Scene: stage, 4 stripper poles, blacklight, dirty/creepy old men, the occasional curious westerner

Act I: Middle-aged but-her-face woman pulls a 20-meter plastic fluorescent lei out of her caslopus.
Act II: Thai sweetheart uses guava to harness a marker, proceeding to create a “Welcome to Thailand” banner, including a special rendition of an attempt at Bart Simpson.

Act III: A sexpot pole dancer drags delicate ribbon out of her jay-jay and uses it to seduce two traditionally dressed old Indian couples in the front row.  

Act IV: Act I’s multitalented woman returns to the stage for an encore performance including using her private parts to blow both a whistle and the candles out of her birthday cake.

Intermission: Ben, Jen & Cam sit in silence, confused, upset, but unable to blow this popstand (pun intended).

Act V: This hot cookie’s special skill involves using her vagina to shoot darts, with sickening precision, at balloons five feet across the room.

Act VI: Act III’s sexy mama showcased this event's namesake performance by shooting ping pong balls into glass bowls, proving she would be the ultimate beer pong partner.

Act VII: Confusing as it was, the following act garnered the most applause. Razor mule pulled no fewer than 40 exacto blades out of her down under. We still don’t quite understand how she managed to pull this off (or out), but we plan on googling it later. We’ll update accordingly.

Caution: If there are any children in the room at this time, they are already most likely screwed, but to prevent further damage escort them out now. Here goes nothing.

Act VIII: The final and most disturbing act involved a Thai man with a large penis (oxymoron, we are aware) and a rather lifeless mamacita performing a choreographed sex serenade to Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You.” That should have been our cue to leave, but paralysis had taken hold of our limbs and we were stuck, jaws dropped and eyes watering, until the curtain closed.