Chiang Mai would be the last stop on our six week Thailand itinerary. We made our way to the Thai/Laos border, which was nothing more than two tiny towns on either side of the muddy Mekong. We took a small boat from Chiang Khong to Huay Xai and were officially in Laos.
This border town of Huay Xai, aside from being hell on earth, was a mere stopover on our way to Luang Nom Tha, the trekking capital of the country. We were on the market for a two day-one night trek, but could only find a seventeen year death excursion (ok, 3 days and 2 nights).
Day 1:
We met the group early: a raunchy Australian goofballs (that’s what she said), 2 swiss schnitzels, one true-blood schnitzel, a proper Brit, and 2 laotian tour guides. We tuk-tuked to a nearby hill-tribe village, picked up an additional 2 local guides and found the path of Hell that would carry us through the next 3 days. When lunchtime arrived banana leaves were unpeeled, sticky rice plopped in giant balls and we dug into a homemade Laotian feast. Our afternoon snack involved getting up close and personal with a foot long walking stick insect that crawled on the hands and head of Phon Sak, the best person alive. We quickly realized that we were lagging, the rest of the group was miles ahead and we were still dragging our feet from sheer exhaustion. It was as if we were just on auto-pilot, one foot in front of the other, keep walking, don’t stop. Cant stop. Rockafella records, we get down baby.
Miles and hours later, we arrived at our first camping destination. We spent the night learning to play the card game, “A**hole,” feasting on more home cooked Laos cuisine and falling asleep ten little trekkers in a row under mosquito nets and the sounds of the nearby stream.
Day 2:
If day 1 was a piece of cake, day 2 was a giant, seven tiered, ornately decorated $5000 wedding cake. And we had to eat it all. This involved scaling mountains, climbing up and sliding down at 45-degree angles and catching each other the 2 or 3 times we actually came peeing-in-your-pants close to falling off cliffs. There was another particularly special aspect of this day. Because we had to trudge through puddles of foot deep mud, lovely little leeches got prime opportunity to suck what was left of the living daylight out of us. They’d leech on, feed on our blood until they swelled and eventually dropped off when they were full. This would always leave a long trickle of blood trailing down our legs and feet. After the 3rd leech attack and 17th fall, our blood was boiling and we were IRATE.
Soon enough, we were again far, far, far behind our comrades, but this time with the added company of the greatest man we have met on this trip. Stuck holding Cam’s hand for hours on end, he led us deeper and deeper into the jungle, all the while showing us incredible displays of nature, intriguingly large insects and lemon flavored candy leaves. He brought occasional smiles to our often frustrated demeanors and made the whole experience just a tad more bearable. Again we reached our camp after an amount of time, energy and fear that cannot be conveyed in a paragraph let alone on a blog. Phon Sak decided to instruct the group in some life-saving Laos phrases which included, among others Bah and Eee Hookie, translating to Mr. and Mrs. Asshole respectively. He had no way to predict what an incredibly powerful and influential tool this new word would become, leaving our mouths every four or five seconds. The words Bah Hookie echoed constantly throughout the Laotian jungle. A stream near the camp and a bottle of blueberry lemon “man-soap” returned us to a half-cleaned human state and we nestled onto the porch to prepare for another long night of cards, cooking and chatter, all by candlelight.
Day 3:
When our 2 Laotian tour guides accidentally mentioned that an alternate, and much shorter, trek would take us back to our start point, the whole group laughed. It was obvious now that no encouragement, no urging from Toby and no sexual favors would ever convince us to take the longer option. WHY would we do that??! The rest of the day found us barefoot, squishing mud in between our toes, and sliding down hill after hill (Jen and Phon Sak thought the mud was a good opportunity for play, Cam thought the mud was a good opportunity for death). We eventually reached the foot of the mountain where we watched Phon Sak drink massive quantities of Beer Laos and waited for the rest of the group to arrive. They had hiked 4 or 5 more miles than we had, carried bags that were 3 times as heavy as elephants and still only arrived less than a hour after us. We were ashamed but ever so proud of our decision to take the easy way out. We are SO proud of ourselves for being quitters (no sarcasm here), because, at the end of the day, we were still alive.
By the end of Day 3 we were sure that Green Discovery’s Forest Adventure was some sick form of masochistic torture. Now we’re sure it was an unforgettable experience that provides countless laughs and even more good memories.
i want to do that!!!!
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